what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
