I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize