i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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