I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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