I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
