Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I enjoy the company of your penis
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
