I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
