Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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