Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Still dying that you shit outside
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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