Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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