would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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