My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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