yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
