Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
