just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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