I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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