my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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