I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
