I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
