Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He passed out mid-signature
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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