Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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