i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
