I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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