You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Randomize
