So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
