im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
