It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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