How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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