I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize