We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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