and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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