My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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