i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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