Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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