Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
