Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
