I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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