Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize