good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
