I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
