i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
