I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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