um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
