nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
