I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
