life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I love you. Go after that dick
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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