I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize