Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
