when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I forget how to act sober
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
