glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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