Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
either way he was missing a nipple.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
