Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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