So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
where are you?
Hypothermia
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
