Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
