Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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