I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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