I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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