i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
