Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
